Six things you can do right now to help a parent with memory problems.
Taking care of our parents feels…unnatural.
We’ve spent our whole lives with them as our protectors – not the other way around. But as we (and they) get older, we often realize the roles need reversing and it’s our turn to help them, whether we (or they) like it or not.
Some things are easy, like suggesting that a parent not climb up tall ladders anymore or pitching in to help with family meals. But other solutions aren’t so obvious.
For example, if a parent starts displaying memory problems, what do you do? Most of us have no idea because we’ve never had to deal with memory issues before.
Is it just “normal” aging? If so, we don’t want to overreact. We don’t want to have uncomfortable conversations with our parents. And we don’t want to spend time, money, and emotional energy getting them to a doctor only to be told, “it’s nothing.”
But what if it’s “something?”
Lord knows there are lots of horrible “somethings” it could be. One quick Google search offers a long list of life-altering diseases that could be the cause of their memory problems.
Or not.
We just don’t know.
And it’s this uncertainty that’s so frustrating.
So, what do we do? We try to educate ourselves.
Unfortunately, our teacher of choice is the internet, which is largely focused on all those horrible diseases, what causes them, and how to help someone who has already been diagnosed with one. There is surprisingly little information about what to do when symptoms first show up, before there is any diagnosis, and you don’t know what “it” is.
So, for everyone who is concerned about a parent’s memory, here’s what you can do to help them right now:
- Talk to them. Ask your parent if they’ve noticed any problems with their memory. Chances are, they have. But just like you, they may not know if it’s normal or not and may be hesitant to bring it up. Some people aren’t aware they’re having memory lapses because they don’t remember them happening. It’s an odd, circular condition called anosognosia that may require you to trust your own impressions more than your parent’s.
- Don’t criticize them when they don’t remember something or repeat themselves. Remember, their memory problems are probably out of their control. They’re not forgetting things on purpose so they’re not doing anything wrong. Criticizing them can create tension between you and them at a time when you both need to be open with each other.
- Educate yourself about how human memory works. Too many of us believe that our memories should be perfect and that, when we misplace our keys or can’t come up with the right word, it’s a sign of something serious. In reality, our memories aren’t designed to be perfect. Forgetting unimportant things is normal and allows us to quickly recall important information when we need it. Understanding this makes it easier to spot abnormal forgetfulness. For a plain-English explanation of memory, read this section of our website: https://memorylossfoundation.org/how-memory-works/
- Make notes about your parent’s memory problems. Memory issues present themselves in many different ways, with each of those ways relating to a different part of the brain and different disorders. So, knowing exactly what types of memory problems they’re having can really help a doctor figure out what’s going on. For an easy way to document symptoms, as well as other important information, download our free Memory Loss Roadmap here: https://memorylossfoundation.org/roadmap/
- Remember that you can’t diagnose your parent’s condition. It takes a trained physician. So, find out who your parent’s primary care physician is and make an appointment with them for you and your parent. Don’t lump it into an annual physical or a visit for some other reason. Make it an appointment solely to discuss memory concerns. Your presence at this appointment is crucial because your parent may not be able to remember their own symptoms or be able to effectively communicate information to the doctor. You’ll also be able to share your perspective, take notes on what the doctor says, and be there for emotional support.
- Remember that it doesn’t take a diagnosis for you to start helping your parent with memory loss. As soon as you start noticing memory problems, you can start helping your parent in three key areas of their life: finance, healthcare, and personal safety. Your involvement can help prevent them from becoming the victim of a scam, ensure that they’re taking their medication and eating a brain-healthy diet, and that they aren’t in a position to injure themselves or others with dangerous items and areas of their home. For more about how to help someone with memory loss, read how to help someone with memory loss section of our website.
But the most important thing you can do to help a parent who is experiencing memory problems is to just be engaged. Don’t ignore the symptoms. Don’t assume they will just go away on their own.
Your parent was there for you when you needed it. Now it’s your turn to return the favor.
For more information about memory loss, contact us.