If you’re noticing memory changes in someone you love, there’s a good chance that other family members may brush off your concerns when you first bring them up.
“It’s normal.” “He’s just getting older.” “She’s always been forgetful.”
Such criticism can really sting and may even cause you to doubt yourself. Are you overreacting? Is this different from normal aging?
The short answer is, yes, there is a difference between normal aging and memory loss that may signal something more serious. And there are ways to talk about it.
In this guide, we will walk through:
- Why loved ones may not initially understand memory loss
- The difference between normal forgetfulness and concerning changes
- Practical steps for talking to family about dementia
- What to do if relatives stay in denial
If this is your reality right now, please know this: you are not alone, and you are not imagining things.
Why Don’t My Family Members “See” the Memory Loss?
Family members may not notice daily patterns, feel afraid of what the changes could mean, or assume symptoms are “just aging.” Denial is common in early memory loss and often comes from fear or misunderstanding, not a lack of love.
There are several reasons why loved ones don’t understand memory loss.
1. They Don’t See the Day-to-Day Changes
If you live nearby or talk every day, you see patterns others miss. A sibling who visits once a month may not witness repeated questions or confusion with medications.
2. They Are Afraid
Unfortunately the word “dementia” carries stigma. For many families, it feels overwhelming. Avoiding the topic can feel safer than facing it. Many families initially normalize symptoms as “just getting older,” which can delay evaluation and support.
3. They Think It’s Normal Aging
Some memory changes are common with age, which makes it harder to know when something crosses the line.
Is This Normal Aging or Something More?
Normal aging may include occasionally forgetting names or misplacing items and remembering them later. Concerning memory loss involves changes that disrupt daily life, such as repeating questions, getting lost in familiar places, or struggling with bills or medications. A healthcare professional is needed to evaluate the difference.
Here is a simple comparison.
Normal Aging Might Look Like:
- Misplacing keys or glasses but finding them later
- Forgetting a name or other word in the moment
- Occasionally missing an appointment
- Needing occasional reminders
Concerning Memory Changes May Include:
- Repeating the same question several times in one conversation
- Getting lost while driving a familiar route
- Missing medications or taking them twice
- Trouble managing bills
- Personality or behavior changes that feel out of character
When memory problems begin affecting safety, finances, or daily function, it is time to seek medical guidance.
If you are unsure what steps to take, our free Memory Loss Roadmap walks you through what to watch for and how to prepare for a medical visit. You can download the Memory Loss Roadmap here.
Having a written plan makes it easier to explain memory loss to family in a calm and organized way.
How Do I Talk About Memory Loss Without Starting a Fight?
Focus on specific examples. Use calm “I” statements, and frame the conversation around care and safety rather than blame. Avoid arguing over labels like “dementia.” Suggest a medical check-up to rule out possible causes and to catch any issues early.
Before you start the conversation, it helps to prepare.
Before You Talk to Family, Do This:
- Keep a symptom log for two weeks
- Write down specific examples with dates
- Identify safety concerns
- Decide on one or two main points
- Choose a calm, private time to talk
For example, instead of saying, “Something is wrong,” you can say, “Last Tuesday, Mom got lost driving home from the grocery store she’s used for years.”
Specific examples feel less emotional and more concrete.
Use “I” Statements
Instead of:
“You’re ignoring this.”
Try:
“I’ve been noticing changes that worry me, and I’d feel better if we asked a doctor to check her memory.”
This keeps the focus on concern.
What Can I Say to Skeptical Family Members?
When talking to skeptical family about dementia, plain language often works best.
To a skeptical sibling
“I know it’s hard to see, but I spend more time with Dad and I’ve noticed he’s getting lost and missing medications. I’m worried this might be more than normal aging, and I’d feel better if a doctor checked his memory.”
To a spouse
“I’m not saying you’re losing your mind. I’m noticing changes that seem different from normal forgetfulness. I care about you, and I want to rule out any health problems.”
To relatives
“I’m not trying to label anything. I think a check-up makes sense. If it’s normal aging, that would be reassuring. If it’s something else, we’ll know sooner.”
Say This Instead of That
- Instead of: “You have dementia.”
Say: “I’ve noticed changes, and I think it would be best to talk to a doctor.” - Instead of: “You’re in denial.”
Say: “I know this is hard to think about. It’s hard for me too.” - Instead of: “You’re not listening.”
Say: “Can we look at these examples together?”
Small shifts in wording can lower defensiveness and keep the conversation productive.
What If My Family Is in Denial About Dementia?
If family members continue to minimize memory changes, stay calm and avoid conflict. Keep documenting examples and refocus on safety and health. Consider involving a primary care provider or another trusted professional as a neutral voice.
It is very common for the first conversation not to go well. That does not mean you failed.
You might also:
- Request a check-up with their primary care physician that includes memory screening
- Share written examples instead of debating verbally
- Ask a trusted doctor, social worker, or community leader to weigh in
Sometimes hearing concerns from a professional carries more weight.
When Safety Has to Come First
If driving, medication management, or finances are becoming unsafe, safety may need to take priority even if others disagree. You may have to take steps to secure your loved one and their finances. If so, let your family members know what you’re doing so they don’t feel you’re taking over. These steps often require a legal “power of attorney” and/or becoming a “medical agent” for your loved one – both of which may require an attorney.
Such changes can feel heavy. But protecting someone you love is not about winning an argument. It is about care.If you feel stuck and unsure what to do next, you can reach out to the American Memory Loss Foundation for guidance. Contact us here.