Just because someone with memory problems doesn’t have a diagnosis doesn’t mean they couldn’t use some help. After all, memory loss symptoms can start long before a diagnosis. So, if you know someone who is experiencing memory loss, there are many things you can do that can make their life much better.
Recognize the symptoms
The first and most important thing you can do is recognize the symptoms of memory loss. These include forgetting recent events, difficulty finding the right word, losing track of dates and times, missing appointments, or asking the same questions over and over. For more symptoms, download a free copy of our memory loss roadmap.
Recognizing these as symptoms, and not just behaviors, can be tricky. Most of us expect our adult friends and family members to be responsible for themselves. So we may initially mischaracterize symptoms as voluntary, unwanted behaviors, such as being lazy, careless, or just not paying attention.
But if you realize that the person isn’t acting this way on purpose and, instead, they aren’t capable of acting any other way, then here’s what you can do to help.
Lead with empathy instead of anger
You can’t get mad at a man because he can’t get pregnant. He just can’t physically do it. Similarly, you can’t get mad at someone with memory issues because they can’t remember things. They just physically can’t do it.
So, if you feel frustrated with someone because they forget to do things or keep repeating themselves, don’t let your frustration turn into anger. The last thing someone with memory loss needs is to be accused of failing to remember things or doing things on purpose. Such confrontations won’t help them and can actually make them trust you less. And trust is critical to someone accepting help.
Similarly, it’s a good idea to leave past conflicts or disagreements in the past. Most of our relationships aren’t perfect but, moving forward, realize that having memory problems can be extremely scary, and what the other person really needs is an ally, not an adversary.
Help them get a diagnosis
Memory loss can be a symptom of dozens of different medical conditions — all of which require a physician to diagnose. So helping someone who is experiencing memory loss make and attend a doctor’s appointment is critical to finding out exactly what is going on.
Odds are, they won’t be able to do this on their own because of the very symptoms they’re experiencing. So find out who their primary care physician is and contact them to schedule an appointment on their behalf.
Also keep in mind that admitting you’re having memory problems can be scary and/or embarrassing, so they might not want to talk to a doctor. But with your encouragement and participation, you can help them take this crucial step. That’s why it’s so important that you do everything you can to attend the doctor’s appointment with them. This will ensure they get to the appointment, that the doctor can hear your perspective on their symptoms, that you can take notes on what the doctor says, and they have your support every step of the way.
To prepare for the appointment, download a copy of our free memory loss roadmap. It will help you gather the information needed to make the doctor’s appointment a success.
Balance their safety and independence
No one wants to give up their independence. But not being able to remember things can create real dangers, and not just physical ones. So, as you try to help someone who is experiencing memory loss, focus on the three high-risk areas that could have significant consequences if they aren’t handled correctly or in a timely manner: finances, healthcare, and personal safety.
Finances
Individuals with memory loss sometimes forget to pay their bills or think they’ve paid their bills when they haven’t. They can also be easy targets for scammers because they can’t remember if an expense is legitimate or not. Similarly, they may not be able to file their own tax returns or complete legal documents such as disability or insurance paperwork. But given how the consequences of not managing these can be catastrophic, consider taking control of all of their legal and financial responsibilities. To do this, you’ll need them to create a legal document that assigns you a “durable power of attorney” that proves you are acting on their behalf.
Healthcare
As noted above, individuals with memory problems can have a very hard time navigating the medical system. Not just making and keeping doctors appointments, but also remembering to purchase and take medications. So helping them with all things medical is another important way you can help them. While you don’t need any specific paperwork to advocate for someone with doctors and pharmacists, the person you’re helping should consider creating a legal document called an “advance medical directive” that names someone who can act as their agent in medical matters.
Personal Safety
Not remembering what you’ve done, what you need to do, or how things work can lead a person with memory loss to accidentally injure themselves or others. So, look for items that are potentially dangerous and try to secure them. Examples include medications (to avoid accidental overdoses), sharp or hot objects (such as knives or open flames), cleaning products, or firearms. Additionally, look for activities, such as driving a car, that may need to be curtailed.
Help them feel better
Apart from the above safety concerns, there are three other things you can do that can help someone with memory loss feel better and more confident.
First is to ensure their days include all four pillars of a brain-healthy lifestyle, which has been shown to improve overall health and wellbeing, while also minimizing cognitive issues:15
- Diet and nutrition: Ideally, they should try to eat a “Mediterranean Diet,” which is rich in fresh, unprocessed foods like fruits, vegetables, fish, whole grains, and healthy fats.
- Physical health and exercise: Regular physical activity, such as walking for 20-30 minutes per day, helps promote a healthy heart and blood vessels which can ensure your brain is getting the oxygen and nutrients it needs.
- Cognitive activity: Engaging in mentally stimulating activities like learning a new skill, reading, or playing brain games can strengthen brain connections and improve cognitive function.
- Social engagement: Maintaining social connections with friends and family can reduce stress, improve mood, and protect against cognitive decline.
Second, you can help them find coping mechanisms to supplement their undependable memory so they feel more grounded.
Probably the best tool for the job is a smartphone calendar. It can remind them of what they’re supposed to do at a certain time in the future, such as when they have a doctor’s appointment or when they’re supposed to take their medication. But it can also serve as a log book where they input notes about what they did throughout the day so they can refer to it later. It’s portable, searchable, and can be shared with you so it’s easy for you to see what’s going on.
If the person you’re helping isn’t comfortable with technology, then a paper calendar or planner can be just as effective. Either way, the calendar acts like an external memory for them so they feel more confident and independent.
Lastly, the single best thing you can do to help someone who is experiencing memory loss is to engage them in their reality — a reality where memory doesn’t always exist. So, don’t constantly remind them that they forgot to do something, or that they keep asking the same question over and over. Instead, focus on the present and do what you can to make the moment both safe and satisfying.
To them, the present is everything.